Attachment Styles

What is the “Attachment theory”?

A new modern attachment Research, claims that the emotional attachment bond between children and parents is then reflected in the intimate partner we end up with.  Having a “Secure Base” as children is a prerequisite for Child’s ability to explore, develop and learn.

As people are emotional beings with needs(Intimate connection, reassurance of our partner’s availability,..).Once their needs are met, their attention turns outwards – This phenomenon is called the “Dependency paradox”

  • The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become
  • Find the right person to depend on and travel down the road with them in order to be independent and happy


Once we are attached to a partner, our brain gets wired to seek support by ensuring their psychological and physical proximity – If our partner fails us, we are programmed to continue our attempts to achieve closeness until they do. If the partner is inconsistently available or supportive, it can be a demoralizing and debilitating experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health.


  • The two of us form one physiological unit 
    • Provide a strong survival advantage 
  • Our partner regulates our blood pressure, heart rate, and level of hormones 
  • Dependency is not a choice or preference – it has a historical context since a long time ago. It Evolved in order to increase survival chances in a particular environment

Not that the pursuit of happiness ought to be our compass in life, but: 

All happiness or unhappiness solely depends upon the quality of the object to which we are attached by love – Spinoza

Attachment Styles:

  • The way you relate to others in the context of intimate relationships 
  • Stable but Plastic
  • Secure – Most of the population about 50%
    • Know how to communicate their own expectations 
    • Respond to their partner’s needs effectively
    • Not overly sensitive to rejection 
    • Great communicators – Know how to get their message across in a way that is straightforward but not accusing 
    • Worked best because our ancestors lived predominantly in close-knit groups 
  • Anxious 
    • More vigilant to changes in other’s emotional expression 
    • Sensitive 
    • Tend to jump to conclusions quickly – misinterpret people. It is recommended to wait a little longer before reacting 
    • Bad habit: Interpret calmness in a relationship as a lack of attraction 
    • Thrive on intimate supportive relationships that are stable and long-lasting
  • Avoidant  
    • Long for the ideal relationship(“The one”), but hints its not with you  
    • Disregard your emotional well-being 
    • Send mixed signals about their own feelings
    • Found in dating markets more frequently and for longer periods – Avoidants don’t date each other

At the initial stages of dating someone, you should ensure it’s going in the right direction and determine if the relationship is right for you – pay attention to all the messages coming through and address them securely. You can ask the following questions


  • “Is this someone I should invest emotionally into?”
  • “Is this person capable of giving me what I need?” 
  • “Is the person sending mixed signals or is genuinely interested in being close?”
  • “How much this person is capable of intimacy?”

From Attached

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *